When someone you love is going through a hard time, the instinct to help can feel overwhelming. And so can the fear that you might do it wrong.
This post is for the people on the outside of someone else's pain, looking in and not knowing what to do. If that's you, you're not alone in that feeling. And there are things that genuinely help.
What It Actually Feels Like to Watch Someone Struggle
There's a particular kind of helplessness that comes with caring about someone who is suffering. You want to do something, say something, fix something. But you're not sure what. So sometimes you say too much. Sometimes you say nothing, because silence feels safer than the wrong words. Sometimes you pull back a little, not out of indifference, but because you're afraid of making things worse.
That fear is understandable. It's also worth naming, because it can quietly get in the way of showing up. The person you love isn't looking for perfection from you. They're looking for presence.
What Actually Helps
The most consistently helpful thing you can do is show up without an agenda to fix or change anything.
This sounds simple, and it is, but it runs counter to a lot of our instincts. When someone we love is in pain, we want to move them toward relief. The thing is, most people who are struggling don't need solutions first. They need to feel less alone in what they're carrying.
Asking "what do you need right now?" instead of guessing is one of the most useful things you can do. It respects the other person's knowledge of themselves, and it takes the pressure off you to figure it out. Sometimes the answer will be nothing in particular. That's okay. You can stay anyway. A text that says "thinking of you" when you haven't heard from them in a few days matters more than you might think.
Consistency counts for a lot. People who are struggling often expect others to eventually drift away. When you keep showing up, that's the message: I'm not going anywhere.
The Things That Tend to Backfire
Most of what we reach for when someone is suffering comes from a genuinely good place. That doesn't always mean it helps.
"Just think positive" and similar encouragements, including "things happen for a reason" or "at least you have..." can feel invalidating even when they're offered with love. When someone is in real pain, being redirected toward the bright side can leave them feeling like their experience isn't being taken seriously.
Trying to fix the situation, especially before the person has felt truly heard, is another common pattern. It communicates efficiency over understanding, even when that's not the intention. Listen more than you speak, and reflect back what you're hearing before you offer anything else.
Comparing their situation to someone else's, or to something you went through, can also close things down rather than open them up. Even well-meaning comparisons shift the focus away from the person in front of you. What they're going through doesn't need to be measured against anything else to be real.
How to Bring Up Professional Support Without It Feeling Like Rejection
One of the most caring things you can do, if you're genuinely worried about someone, is to gently open the door to professional support. But it needs to be handled carefully, because it can land as rejection if the framing isn't right.
People sometimes hear "I think you should talk to a therapist" as "this is more than I can handle" or "you're too much." That's not the message you want to send.
Try something like: "I want you to have support that goes beyond what I'm able to give you, because you deserve that." This makes clear that professional support is an addition, not a replacement for your relationship. You're not stepping back. You're trying to make sure they have enough.
You can also make it practical: "I'd be glad to help you look into it if you're ever curious." Offering to do the research or help book the first appointment removes a barrier that might otherwise feel too big.
It may take more than one conversation. Keep the door open.
You Need Support Too
Supporting someone through a prolonged difficult time takes something from you, even when you're doing it willingly and out of love.
Recognising when you're stretched thin, making sure you have your own sources of connection and care, and giving yourself permission to have needs in the middle of all of this are not selfish acts. They're what makes it possible to keep showing up for someone else over time.
You matter in this too, not just the person you're worried about.
Supporting someone through a hard time is a lot to carry. Our team is here for both of you -- free consultations available.
We offer counselling in Fort Saskatchewan and virtually across Alberta. If you or someone you love is ready to talk, we'd be glad to connect.
Lareina’s journey into the world of counselling is deeply personal. Having navigated the rough waters of trauma, grief, and loss herself, she’s developed a profound empathy and understanding that she brings into every session. Lareina believes that her own experiences have given her a unique ability to connect with and honour the stories of those she works with. She’s passionate about creating a warm and secure environment where individuals feel comfortable to open up and explore new strategies for building a fulfilling life that resonates with their deepest values and beliefs.
Lareina’s path to therapy was paved during her time as an educator, where she encountered a diverse array of neurodevelopmental styles, including ADHD. This experience has enriched her therapeutic approach, which is as compassionate as it is comprehensive. Lareina believes in a therapy that’s tailored to the individual, blending techniques from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Spiritually Augmented CBT (SaCBT) with insights from Polyvagal theory. Her integrative, person-centred style ensures that each client’s unique needs are met with understanding, respect, and a toolbox of strategies for healing and growth.